


Carry Omens

by ArmAmeery



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 10:20:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21967729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArmAmeery/pseuds/ArmAmeery
Summary: Simon is the worse angel to ever be chosen to go to Earth ever. At least that’s what the other angels (and the demon, Baz) say but they’re probably right. Most of the time he can’t even correctly make miracles. He has to rely on a sword. He’s constantly consorting with the enemy. And according to some completely accurate prophecy book from 1655, the world is supposed to end next Saturday but in some shocking turn of events, Baz lost the Antichrist (who kind of look like a young Simon).
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **My mind decided to give me another Carry On fanfiction idea instead of helping me with my original works. AAAAAHHHH!!!!! End me! I was not supposed to be uploading this today, I was supposed to wait until I was a few more chapters in but that didn't happen. Let's see how this goes. ******

Current theories on the creation of the Universe state that, if it was created at all and didn’t just start, as it were, unofficially, it came into being between ten and twenty thousand million years ago. By the same token, the earth itself is generally supposed to be about four and a half thousand million years old.

These dates are incorrect.

Medieval Jewish scholars put the date of the Creation at 3760 B.C. Greek Orthodox theologians put Creation as far back as 5508 B.C.

These suggestions are also incorrect.

Archbishop James Ussher (1580-1656) published  _ Annales Veteris et Novi Testamenti _ in 1654, which suggested that the Heaven and the Earth were created in 4004 B.C. One of his aides took the calculation further and was able to announce triumphantly that the Earth was created on Sunday the 21st of October, 4004 B.C., at exactly 9:00 am, because God liked to get work done early in the morning while he was feeling fresh.

This too was incorrect. By almost a quarter of an hour.

The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven’t seen yet. 

This proves two things:

Firstly, that God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe, She plays an ineffable game of her own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won’t tell you the rules and smiles all the time.

Secondly, the Earth’s a Libra.

The astrological prediction for Libra in the “Your Stars Today” column of the Tadfield Advertiser, on the day this history begins, read as follows:

Libra (9/23-10/23)

You may be feeling run down and always in the same old daily round. Home and family matters are highlighted and are hanging fire. Avoid unnecessary risks. A friend is important to you. Shelve major decisions until the way ahead seems clear. You may be vulnerable to a stomach ache today so avoid salads. Help could come from an unexpected quarter.

This was correct on every count except for the bit about salads.

To understand the true significance of what that means, we need to begin earlier. A little more than 6000 years earlier, to be precise, just after the beginning. It starts, as it will end, with a garden. In this case, the garden of Eden.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a nice day. 

All seven of them had been nice so far. Rain hadn’t been invented yet but clouds massing east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way and it was going to be a big one.

The angel of the Eastern Gate, Simon, put his wings over his head to shield himself from the first drops.

“I’m sorry,” he said politely, “what was it you were saying?”

“I said, that one went down like a lead balloon,” hissed the serpent whose name was Basil, although he was thinking of changing it now, the name just wasn’t him.

“Oh! Yes.”

“I think it was a bit of an overreaction, to be honest. I mean, first offense and everything. I can’t see what’s so bad about knowing the difference between good and evil, anyway.”

“It must be bad otherwise you wouldn’t have been involved,” he was concerned since he couldn’t see why either but he was an angel, he couldn’t and shouldn’t question what She does.

  
“They just said, ‘Get up there and make some trouble.’”

“Yes, but you’re a demon. I’m not sure if it’s actually possible for you to do good. It’s down to your basic, you know, nature. Nothing personal, you understand.”

“You’ve got to admit it’s a bit of a pantomime, though. I mean, pointing out the Tree and saying ‘Don’t Touch’ in big letters. Not very subtle, is it? I mean, why not put it on top of a high mountain or a long way off? Makes you wonder what She’s really planning.”

“Best not to speculate, really. You can’t second-guess ineffability-"

"Ineffability?"

"Yes, I-"

"And here I thought you wouldn't know a big word like that."

Simon tried to hide a pout, "Well, the other angels always use it. They always say, 'there’s Right and there’s Wrong. If you do Wrong when you’re told to do Right, you deserve to be punished.' Er.” They sat in embarrassed silence, watching the raindrops bruise the first flowers.

Eventually, Basil asked, “Don’t Adam and Eve also have a flaming sword?”

“Er…” A guilty expression passed across his face, and then came back and camped there.

“They do, don’t they? It flames like anything.”

“Er, well-”

“It looks very impressive.”

Simon looked wretched. “If you must know, I made them a sword.” Basil stared up at him.

“Well, I had to,” said the angel, rubbing his hands distractedly. “They looked so cold, poor things, and she’s expecting already, and what with the vicious animals out there and the storm coming up I thought, well, where’s the harm, so I just said, ‘look, if you come back there’s going to be an almighty row, but you might be needing this sword, so here it is, don’t bother to thank me, just do everyone a big favor and don’t let the sun go down on you here,” he gave the demon a worried grin. “That was the best course, wasn’t it?”

“I’m not sure it’s actually possible for you to do evil,” Basil said sarcastically but Simon didn’t notice the tone.

“Oh, I do hope so. I really do. It’s been worrying me all afternoon.” They watched the rain for a while.

“Funny thing is I keep wondering whether the apple thing wasn’t the wrong thing to do, as well. A demon can get in trouble for doing the right thing,” Basil nudged Simon. “Funny if we both got it wrong, eh? Funny if I did the good thing and you did the bad one, eh?”

Simon lets out a chuckle before catching himself, realizing what he was about to agree to. “No, not really,” he said trying to hide his amusement with disgust.

“No, I suppose not.” Basil looked up at the rain. Slate-black curtains tumbled over Eden. Thunder growled among the hills. The animals, freshly named, cowered from the storm. Simon then noticed Basil had no cover and quickly pulled him closer and under his wing. Basil looked surprised even awed but he quickly covers it up and gets more comfortable. They'd both silently agreed to never say anything.

Far away, in the dripping woods, something bright, fiery, and completely out of control flicked among the trees.

It was going to be a dark and stormy night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **12/25/19 **  
>  **^._.^ **********

**Author's Note:**

> **12/25/19 **  
>  **^._.^ **********


End file.
